In case you missed it, I have moved to a new home:
The E is for Erin
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
I'm Superman!
I'm not usually one to use Oprahisms, but lately I'm beginning to think that there is such a thing as an "authentic self."
Most people spend adolescence figuring out who they are, but then somewhere in adulthood many of us lose ourselves in a totally absent-minded way, like leaving your phone on the counter at a coffee shop and three hours later wondering where the hell it is.
Recently in a minor online interaction I found myself explaining to someone, under my real name and address, explaining that I was also "ibis," and also ECC (my new business... more on that soon). It struck me as I did so that my compartmentalizing of identities was getting a little out of hand. Now I have THREE online personas? What am I doing here?
I jokingly likened myself to Clark Kent. Always careful not to slip up and reveal, especially to Lois, that I am also Superman. But after all what would happen if she knew that he was not only her dependable coworker but also her hero? What was Clark so afraid of?
What am I so afraid of?
Since I launched ECC and thereby my third online identity, I've had to face a truth about myself: I am afraid of rejection. I know, everyone is. But over the years I've concocted this ingenious defense against it: if I always present the most appealing version of me to whomever I'm facing, not only can I increase my chances of being liked by everyone, I can avoid ever exposing the REAL me to the pain of rejection. Brilliant!
Except for the obvious downside: no one ever gets to know or like the real me either. (Well, not ever... usually after a few years, if I have sussed you out enough to believe you'll like the real me, I'll drop the front.) The truth is, most people don't fall in love with a cleverly appealing version of anyone. At a subconscious level, probably, most people can detect a fraud. Even a nice fraud with innocent intentions.
(As an aside, you may be wondering how Mr. Ibis, then, ever fell in love with me. The answer is he totally cornered me, called me out on my BS, and told me to get real. And since I really really liked him, I folded!)
At Ibis & The Unicorn, I have presented you with the real me, except that I've cordoned off things like my real name, too many identifying details, etc. Which still limits me, because I've walled off all the other pieces of me that exist online - my FB page, for example, and now my new business which is also more than a business, it's my artwork too.
Of course all bloggers think about the issue of privacy, but in the FB age, it starts to look a little arbitrary at times. I have my entire identity online now, it's just that it's carved up into little sections, which isn't really privacy, it's just... online multiple personality disorder.
So, to that end, I'm tearing down the walls. And moving. I know it's a bit of a pain in the ass if you follow me via Blogger or another blog feed, and it's an even bigger pain in the ass for me to haul all of your blogs over there with me! But I'm totally excited about this.
And do not worry, my content is not going to change. It's not going to become all about hawking my wares... I'm going to be telling the same stories, but as the real me. So please join me in my new home:
eisforerin.com
Most people spend adolescence figuring out who they are, but then somewhere in adulthood many of us lose ourselves in a totally absent-minded way, like leaving your phone on the counter at a coffee shop and three hours later wondering where the hell it is.
Recently in a minor online interaction I found myself explaining to someone, under my real name and address, explaining that I was also "ibis," and also ECC (my new business... more on that soon). It struck me as I did so that my compartmentalizing of identities was getting a little out of hand. Now I have THREE online personas? What am I doing here?
I jokingly likened myself to Clark Kent. Always careful not to slip up and reveal, especially to Lois, that I am also Superman. But after all what would happen if she knew that he was not only her dependable coworker but also her hero? What was Clark so afraid of?
What am I so afraid of?
Since I launched ECC and thereby my third online identity, I've had to face a truth about myself: I am afraid of rejection. I know, everyone is. But over the years I've concocted this ingenious defense against it: if I always present the most appealing version of me to whomever I'm facing, not only can I increase my chances of being liked by everyone, I can avoid ever exposing the REAL me to the pain of rejection. Brilliant!
Except for the obvious downside: no one ever gets to know or like the real me either. (Well, not ever... usually after a few years, if I have sussed you out enough to believe you'll like the real me, I'll drop the front.) The truth is, most people don't fall in love with a cleverly appealing version of anyone. At a subconscious level, probably, most people can detect a fraud. Even a nice fraud with innocent intentions.
(As an aside, you may be wondering how Mr. Ibis, then, ever fell in love with me. The answer is he totally cornered me, called me out on my BS, and told me to get real. And since I really really liked him, I folded!)
At Ibis & The Unicorn, I have presented you with the real me, except that I've cordoned off things like my real name, too many identifying details, etc. Which still limits me, because I've walled off all the other pieces of me that exist online - my FB page, for example, and now my new business which is also more than a business, it's my artwork too.
Of course all bloggers think about the issue of privacy, but in the FB age, it starts to look a little arbitrary at times. I have my entire identity online now, it's just that it's carved up into little sections, which isn't really privacy, it's just... online multiple personality disorder.
So, to that end, I'm tearing down the walls. And moving. I know it's a bit of a pain in the ass if you follow me via Blogger or another blog feed, and it's an even bigger pain in the ass for me to haul all of your blogs over there with me! But I'm totally excited about this.
And do not worry, my content is not going to change. It's not going to become all about hawking my wares... I'm going to be telling the same stories, but as the real me. So please join me in my new home:
eisforerin.com
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Perfect Mother, Bad Mother
Sorry for the long silence, didn't get the computer back until Thursday evening. Luckily they saved all of our data and backed it up externally too. Let this be a lesson to you boys & girls: back up your data, especially if you take a buttload of pictures! Not sure if I have mentioned this, but we took photos of Miles every day in 2010. Once you start snapping, you can never take just one shot. So we have a looooot of jpegs.
Anyway that's all straightened out.
Thanks again to everyone who emailed or commented and took a look at my new business - your support is so encouraging.
Back to the topic at hand: Miles is 13 months old today. Woo!
I'm feeling better about my ability to handle a toddler. But it certainly is a work in progress. See, my mom was a yeller. And I, sadly, am a yeller. In many ways I'm a fairly laid back person and not quick to anger. But in other ways, I'm easily irritated and short-tempered. I'm not sure how to explain why that is (maybe I need therapy? I'm sure I do). But everyone who's had one knows that small children are good at pushing your buttons, and the trick is to remember that they push buttons simply because the buttons are there, not because they are trying to be "bad."
I can give you a concrete example from something that happened yesterday. First, know that both diapers (disposables) and wipes are like catnip to a curious kitty where Miles is concerned. We use sposies at night, for daycare, and when I'm really behind on laundry and all the cloth is dirty (oops). We use wipes, obviously, every day. But if either of those items are anywhere in reach of the boy he will take them, empty the wipes container, and carry the diaper around like a favorite babydoll, refusing to give it back.
For some time I have been placing the wipes at the back center of the changing table shelf, the only place convenient for me that he couldn't reach. That's also where I would keep a diaper or two when I'll need one shortly (say, after a bath in prep for bed). Yesterday, after a minor skirmish over the wipes case, I placed it back in the "safe" spot and left the room to putter about. When I came back in a moment later he had pushed the entire changing table away from the wall to get the wipes!
My instant reaction: I raised my voice and angrily said, "NO! That is not okay!" It's not like I flipped my lid and screamed or raged, but as quickly as I got annoyed, I got annoyed at myself for hollering about something so stupid. I could have just calmly said, "No Miles, don't touch," and moved the wipes and redirected him. That's what the Mother I Would Like To Be would have done. After all, from his point of view he was not being naughty, he was simply solving a problem: how to get to the wipes. He doesn't even have the capacity to see it the way I was seeing it: every day I have to remember to hide the wipes and diapers or else we'll have to tussle over them, which is annoying, and I just took the wipes away again after changing him, and I thought I had solved this issue, by hiding them, and here he goes ruining my little plan! ARGH!
That's just an example. I know that I am holding myself to an impossible standard, but the standard is always there in the back of my mind, and I know for a fact that other mothers feel this way too. I remember a time when my stepmom, who is close in age to me, was feeling overwhelmed during my sister's babyhood - this was my stepmother's first bio child and certainly first baby. I remember her saying dismally that she felt she was a bad mother because she was so short-tempered and impatient. And at the time I was baffled by this because I was amazed and impressed by her patience and gentleness every day - from my point of view she handled the challenges of a spirited toddler with grace, but it didn't look that way to her.
Mr. Ibis tells me that I am incredibly patient and a wonderful mother, and I have to believe him, especially when I deeply doubt that it is so. Always on one shoulder there is the Perfect Mother, frowning disapprovingly when I snap or grouch or grumble, and on the other shoulder is the Bad Mother, a specter, really, of myself as a screaming meanie and everything that I dread turning out to be. I do wish I could throw them both off a bridge, but probably I will be stuck with them for years to come.
Anyway that's all straightened out.
Thanks again to everyone who emailed or commented and took a look at my new business - your support is so encouraging.
Back to the topic at hand: Miles is 13 months old today. Woo!
I'm feeling better about my ability to handle a toddler. But it certainly is a work in progress. See, my mom was a yeller. And I, sadly, am a yeller. In many ways I'm a fairly laid back person and not quick to anger. But in other ways, I'm easily irritated and short-tempered. I'm not sure how to explain why that is (maybe I need therapy? I'm sure I do). But everyone who's had one knows that small children are good at pushing your buttons, and the trick is to remember that they push buttons simply because the buttons are there, not because they are trying to be "bad."
I can give you a concrete example from something that happened yesterday. First, know that both diapers (disposables) and wipes are like catnip to a curious kitty where Miles is concerned. We use sposies at night, for daycare, and when I'm really behind on laundry and all the cloth is dirty (oops). We use wipes, obviously, every day. But if either of those items are anywhere in reach of the boy he will take them, empty the wipes container, and carry the diaper around like a favorite babydoll, refusing to give it back.
For some time I have been placing the wipes at the back center of the changing table shelf, the only place convenient for me that he couldn't reach. That's also where I would keep a diaper or two when I'll need one shortly (say, after a bath in prep for bed). Yesterday, after a minor skirmish over the wipes case, I placed it back in the "safe" spot and left the room to putter about. When I came back in a moment later he had pushed the entire changing table away from the wall to get the wipes!
My instant reaction: I raised my voice and angrily said, "NO! That is not okay!" It's not like I flipped my lid and screamed or raged, but as quickly as I got annoyed, I got annoyed at myself for hollering about something so stupid. I could have just calmly said, "No Miles, don't touch," and moved the wipes and redirected him. That's what the Mother I Would Like To Be would have done. After all, from his point of view he was not being naughty, he was simply solving a problem: how to get to the wipes. He doesn't even have the capacity to see it the way I was seeing it: every day I have to remember to hide the wipes and diapers or else we'll have to tussle over them, which is annoying, and I just took the wipes away again after changing him, and I thought I had solved this issue, by hiding them, and here he goes ruining my little plan! ARGH!
That's just an example. I know that I am holding myself to an impossible standard, but the standard is always there in the back of my mind, and I know for a fact that other mothers feel this way too. I remember a time when my stepmom, who is close in age to me, was feeling overwhelmed during my sister's babyhood - this was my stepmother's first bio child and certainly first baby. I remember her saying dismally that she felt she was a bad mother because she was so short-tempered and impatient. And at the time I was baffled by this because I was amazed and impressed by her patience and gentleness every day - from my point of view she handled the challenges of a spirited toddler with grace, but it didn't look that way to her.
Mr. Ibis tells me that I am incredibly patient and a wonderful mother, and I have to believe him, especially when I deeply doubt that it is so. Always on one shoulder there is the Perfect Mother, frowning disapprovingly when I snap or grouch or grumble, and on the other shoulder is the Bad Mother, a specter, really, of myself as a screaming meanie and everything that I dread turning out to be. I do wish I could throw them both off a bridge, but probably I will be stuck with them for years to come.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
You've Got Mail
If you left a comment or sent me an email yesterday, you should have just received an email from me with the details of my new thang. I have to admit I feel a little funny hawking my wares at you, since I think of my readers, even the anonymous ones and lurkers, as more like friends than customers. So please rest assured that I am not trying to "sell" to you, just wanting to share this project that I am so excited about. Although if you wanted to buy something I wouldn't mind at all. Haha.
I am so flattered by how many people contacted me, and by the kind comments that some of you made about my blog. I know the deal with blogging... most people who read don't comment. I don't comment on most of the blogs I read, at least most of the time, even the ones I really like. So I totally get that, but blogging is weird sometimes. I keep pouring my guts out to a computer screen and occasionally do wonder, am I connecting with people out there or just writing to myself? I'm sure everyone who blogs feels that way from time to time.
Anyway. I heart you all.
I am so flattered by how many people contacted me, and by the kind comments that some of you made about my blog. I know the deal with blogging... most people who read don't comment. I don't comment on most of the blogs I read, at least most of the time, even the ones I really like. So I totally get that, but blogging is weird sometimes. I keep pouring my guts out to a computer screen and occasionally do wonder, am I connecting with people out there or just writing to myself? I'm sure everyone who blogs feels that way from time to time.
Anyway. I heart you all.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Good News & Bad News
Bad News first: my computer shat the bed. I sent M off to daycare this morning all excited to have some time to myself and to officially launch my new business. Turned on the computer and BAM. Nothing. I then had to wait one long, painful hour before B.estB.uy opened so I could bring it in. Still awaiting the news of just how bad things are, but I'm at least $175 in.
Good News: I'm at the library launching my new business anyway. I would like to preserve the thin veil of anonymity I have here by not publicly linking this site to my business on the public interwebs. But I do think that if you are a fan of me here you might like my new venture. So if you are interested and you pinky-swear promise not to be all "THIS IS IBIS!!!" on the new site, leave a comment below with an email address or email me at ibistheunicorn at gmail and I will tell you what I'm up to now.
Good News: I'm at the library launching my new business anyway. I would like to preserve the thin veil of anonymity I have here by not publicly linking this site to my business on the public interwebs. But I do think that if you are a fan of me here you might like my new venture. So if you are interested and you pinky-swear promise not to be all "THIS IS IBIS!!!" on the new site, leave a comment below with an email address or email me at ibistheunicorn at gmail and I will tell you what I'm up to now.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Adventures in Mommy Dating
It's been an unusually busy week here for the Ibis family. I finished a job on Monday, had playdates (sort of?) on Wednesday and Thursday, and went to La Leche today. The plus side of being so busy is that it gets us out of the house, eases cabin fever for mom and baby who are home alone so much of the time. The downside is that the other stuff I have to do - laundry, cleaning, bill paying, and so on - fall behind. You know, the whole juggling act thing.
After all the drama with my crunchy mom group - or really, the spinoff group of that group - I decided to branch out and join a couple more meetup groups and see what else is out there. And now that I'm home more, I need more opportunities to socialize and let Miles socialize too. So I joined two more groups geared toward stay at home moms but without the all-natural bent.
On Wednesday I went to a toddler story hour at a library. It was an okay time but where was the group? It seemed everyone there was from some other group. The meetup leader was nowhere to be found. So I was all alone with Miles and feeling awkward. He didn't have much patience for storytime, being a little too young for that, but did enjoy crawling around. Oh well.
On Thursday I went to the Children's Museum. Once again... no group. Once again, just me and Miles. So once again, we just had fun by ourselves, but that was not exactly what I was aiming for. We have a membership and can go to the museum any old time but I was hoping to talk to some other adults. When I got home and checked the meetup board I saw that I was the only person who went. Great. 0 for 2.
This morning I went to La Leche. I had been to one meeting before, almost exactly a year ago. But that group meets at 7pm and I could never make it back. I just recently realized that I can go to morning meetings now, and if I am considering lactation consulting some day I should get back into LLL. Well, I was pleasantly surprised today. I did not have the greatest experience a year ago, but this group was great. The leaders were super nice and not overzealous and pushy. It was in a church basement which meant there was lots of space for the kids to wander around, and plenty of toys too. The meeting was much less formal than the other one I went to, with no lecture, mostly open discussion. I had a great time and Miles was a pip... he was walking all over the room and going around to all the moms, talking in Miles-ese.
I'll keep trying with the other meetup groups, and still go to the original one as well.
After all the drama with my crunchy mom group - or really, the spinoff group of that group - I decided to branch out and join a couple more meetup groups and see what else is out there. And now that I'm home more, I need more opportunities to socialize and let Miles socialize too. So I joined two more groups geared toward stay at home moms but without the all-natural bent.
On Wednesday I went to a toddler story hour at a library. It was an okay time but where was the group? It seemed everyone there was from some other group. The meetup leader was nowhere to be found. So I was all alone with Miles and feeling awkward. He didn't have much patience for storytime, being a little too young for that, but did enjoy crawling around. Oh well.
On Thursday I went to the Children's Museum. Once again... no group. Once again, just me and Miles. So once again, we just had fun by ourselves, but that was not exactly what I was aiming for. We have a membership and can go to the museum any old time but I was hoping to talk to some other adults. When I got home and checked the meetup board I saw that I was the only person who went. Great. 0 for 2.
This morning I went to La Leche. I had been to one meeting before, almost exactly a year ago. But that group meets at 7pm and I could never make it back. I just recently realized that I can go to morning meetings now, and if I am considering lactation consulting some day I should get back into LLL. Well, I was pleasantly surprised today. I did not have the greatest experience a year ago, but this group was great. The leaders were super nice and not overzealous and pushy. It was in a church basement which meant there was lots of space for the kids to wander around, and plenty of toys too. The meeting was much less formal than the other one I went to, with no lecture, mostly open discussion. I had a great time and Miles was a pip... he was walking all over the room and going around to all the moms, talking in Miles-ese.
I'll keep trying with the other meetup groups, and still go to the original one as well.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Hello again old friend
Well, I am out of the running for an 11-11-11 baby, as my dear old Aunt Flo arrived two nights ago. The blog jinx may have struck again, double whammy style, as I recently posted that Miles was sleeping great and I still hadn't had my period. Then Tuesday night Miles was up for 4 hours (!!!) in the middle of the night and I did something I almost never do, which is haul myself out of bed in the middle of the night to pee, which is when I discovered my visiting aunt.
It's really not that bad. I'd heard horror stories about the first postpartum period, but I didn't have any cramps and only a mild attack of the bitch-pants. It did take some getting reacquainted with my Diva Cup though - the first day I definitely did something wrong with the installation. Ouch.
So I guess we are back in business whenever we do decide to try for another kiddo.
And speaking of that I should probably update my financial situation in case you are wondering why we would consider TTC if we're in dire straits. Embarrassingly (given how much I freaked out), we never were in dire straits. I guess I did not realize how much Mr. Ibis's job was paying compared to his previous job, and also the threat of reduced hours never panned out - in fact he's currently working more than ever. We are currently living on his salary alone, which is kind of a dream come true. Please don't let the blog jinx strike me on that. I am working on starting a new business that will be way more fun than the high stress drudgery of my painting business, and Mr. I's good salary has freed me up to pursue other dreams and stay at home most of the time. Whee!
We still have to change insurance plans if I'm going to get maternity coverage, so we're not TTC just yet, but we're thinking maybe this summer. That will put Miles around 2 1/2 to 3 years old when baby #2 is born, depending on when we conceive.
It's really not that bad. I'd heard horror stories about the first postpartum period, but I didn't have any cramps and only a mild attack of the bitch-pants. It did take some getting reacquainted with my Diva Cup though - the first day I definitely did something wrong with the installation. Ouch.
So I guess we are back in business whenever we do decide to try for another kiddo.
And speaking of that I should probably update my financial situation in case you are wondering why we would consider TTC if we're in dire straits. Embarrassingly (given how much I freaked out), we never were in dire straits. I guess I did not realize how much Mr. Ibis's job was paying compared to his previous job, and also the threat of reduced hours never panned out - in fact he's currently working more than ever. We are currently living on his salary alone, which is kind of a dream come true. Please don't let the blog jinx strike me on that. I am working on starting a new business that will be way more fun than the high stress drudgery of my painting business, and Mr. I's good salary has freed me up to pursue other dreams and stay at home most of the time. Whee!
We still have to change insurance plans if I'm going to get maternity coverage, so we're not TTC just yet, but we're thinking maybe this summer. That will put Miles around 2 1/2 to 3 years old when baby #2 is born, depending on when we conceive.
